Stage Write

http://hubpages.com/hub/BIC-Lighters

I am an incredibly superstitious person. I don’t know why I just am. In high school I directed a streetcar named desire, an actress backstage accidentally said “Macbeth” on opening night and I actually yelled at her. I then proceeded to do all the “good luck” things in order to wipe away the curse. I call it “the Scottish play” whether or not I am even in a theatre. I purchased a white bic lighter tonight and I plan on using only that one lighter for the rest of this process.

“But wait Paul! That’s kind of dumb!!!” You may ask. Yeah it is.

I had an interesting talk with Landon tonight. I was kind of dead from sleep deprivation and caffine withdrawals but if memory serves it went something kind of like this.

Landon: “So I read your blog.”

Me: “Oh… That’s awkward. Uhhh… So what did you think?”

Landon: “Uhh… Well… It didn’t really have a lot to do with your character.”

Me: “How so?”

Landon: “Well, most of it was you complaining about things.”

Me: “I suppose.”

Landon: “It’s more about your views on things… Not your process.”

Me: “Well… My views are needed in my process I guess.”

Landon: “The list of names? You did a character vita… On yourself.”

Me: “Well… We kind of do that anyways. I just decided to type it all down.”

Landon: “You just seem to have no hope for anything.”

Me: “No… I’d say I have hope.”

Landon: “You just seemed really sad dude.”

Me: “Actually I’d say I’m for the most part, above average in my uhh… I’m uhh…”

Landon: “Content?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Landon: “But see… You seem to have no hope for humanity though.”

Me: “No… I have a lot of hope… I just keep getting disappointed with humanity. I try to take everything from a cold, logical point of view.”

Landon: “You’re saying you lack emotions? You lack a visceral experience?”

Me: “No… I do experience that. I just try to take an approach where I’m not censoring myself in the blog. I think we all sort of think these things… The blog is for me to understand…       (I then struggled some more for the words until…)

Cassandra: We spend so much time in our own heads yet we hardly understand ourselves.

Me: Yeah pretty much.

Cassandra: I don’t think you can even begin to start pretending to be someone else if you don’t even know your own limits.

Landon: Yeah but It was kind of just you being an aloof intellectual. By breaking down some boundaries by “not censoring yourself” you constrained yourself into new ones. And as far as being disappointed in humanity… Who are you to judge? What if “those” people are actually happy?

Me: They aren’t.

Landon: Really?

Me: I’m judging “them” just like you’re judging me. I’m judging you for judging me. You’re judging me for judging you for judging me.

Landon: It’s gonna destroy you man.

Me: I think I kind of like that.

I’m approaching this blog… With the utmost seriousness. I’m forcing myself to think in different ways. Mercurial ways. Things I used to be terrified of… I decided on a whim to laugh at instead. It’s exhilarating. But it is an addiction. A potentially dangerous one. I am aware of that though.

I’ve noticed myself lately thinking differently. Not forcibly so, just instinctual. I’m running lines every night… God I need to get this on its feet before it runs. I noticed today actually my left hand moving on its own. A “tick” that I, Paul Morris, don’t have.

The way I approach situations like these is pretty simple actually. This blog is kind of showing it. Though my entries may seem more “Paul,” I have to make Mercutio into me first. Only then can I “make the jump” from Paul to Mercutio. I have to start from the beginning.

I always do things this way… It’s just this time it seems a little more startling. Probably because I haven’t really “performed” for over a year now. I just need to get used to this feeling of having my head invaded. It’s all about control.

Let me finish this by saying I’m an incredibly strong willed person. I know my limits when it comes to stuff like this. If I ever feel myself “losing it” I can turn it off. It’s just I like to walk around campus walk in this state. I don’t see it as “unhealthy” really. I like diving into things like this. This is how I always do it… It just looks a lot scarier when I record it all down.

I like talking to people when I’m forcing another personality to take the forefront. I have to nurture this new “personality” into something more though… Though I can turn it off… That would “kill” it and I would be left with nothing. He’s very fragile right now.

“I fear that I will waste all my life searching for little ways to pass the time. Then when I have little time left to waste, I will be left searching for ways to prolong the passing of it.”

-Paul Morris-